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If you’re not familiar with MMAMania’s Jesse Holland, well, he’s kind of like the Gene Shalit or Pete Hammond of MMA writing, in that he specializes in pun-ridden “articles” with upworthy headlines that are usually bereft of any intellectual or comedic value whatsoever. I realize the irony in saying this just a day after writing an article composed mainly of dog gifs, but there’s a fine line between intentional absurdity and plain corniness (or creepiness) and Mr. Holland has dragged his ass along that line under the false guise of “MMA reporting” for far too long.
You see, when Jesse isn’t cramming as much loathsome and nonsensical puns into an article as humanely possible — puns like “Jugs, not drugs” (while discussing Miesha Tate’s breasts) or “cuckoo for Cuoco’s puffs” (on the Henry Cavill/Gina Carano split) — he’s probably penning alliteration-heavy headlines using sickening, pornography-based puns to lure in the middle school troglodytes who actually find his material humorous. He’s the Peeping Tom version of Eric Holden, essentially, but with a semi-respectable publication to back his self-masturbatory musings.
In any case, one of Mr. Holland’s favorite subjects to cover is that of UFC ring girl Brittney Palmer (or should I say, Brittney Palm-Her), who you might have heard hosts a web series called “Hot & Slow,” which itself is an incredibly lame pun. After reading Jesse’s most recent gag-inducing headline, “Brittney Palmer squirting on camera during FOX ‘Slow & Hot’ painting webisode” we (I) decided that someone had to put an end to his click-baiting agenda or at least call him out on it. Because while CagePotato may be a website that is 50% ring girl galleries and and 50% MMA reporting (okay, 60-40), we at least grant our readers the common courtesy of occasional subtlety.
So join us after the jump as we take a look back at 10 of the creepiest lines Holland has written about Brittney Palmer in the hopes that he will end this MMA charade and just get a job with OMG! Insider already.
#10 - Brittney Palmer Wins Breast Halloween Costume Of 2013
#9 - Pic: Brittney Palmer ass-terpiece from UFC 159 event in Newark
#8 – “Have you ever wanted to see Brittney Palmer lick Arianny Celeste?” (from “Video: Watch Brittney Palmer and Arianny Celeste frolic, fawn and fondle one another during latest FHM photo shoot“)
#7 - “Maybe size doesn’t matter after all.” (from “UFC Octagon Girl Brittney Palmer will date you if you’re fat (but you have to be funny)“)
#6 - “Take a good look at these lovely ladies and if you need to see what the other side looks like, click here.” (from “Pic: Inside Fitness cover with UFC’s Arianny Celeste, Brittney Palmer and Kenda Perez“)
#5 - ”She’s also the picture of fitness thanks to that curvy figure, which may explain why this pair of lips is planted firmly on her posterior. Where can I sign up for that job?” (from “Video: Brittney Palmer 2013 calendar photo shoot sneak peek“)
#4 - “Brittney has been getting some stiff competition from Bellator girl Jade Bryce, who’s done some work for Playboy herself and, of course, the reigning queen of cage card girls, Arianny Celeste, is always ready to show off her assets.” (also from ”Video: Brittney Palmer 2013 calendar photo shoot sneak peek“)
#3 - Pic: Brittney Palmer suffers bruises from straddling Arianny Celeste (sans pants)
#2 - “Now, be a gentleman and give her a kiss on the cheek. Or, if you prefer the other cheek.” (from “Happy Valentine’s Day From Brittney Palmer“)
#1 - Video: Brittney Palmer squirting on camera during FOX ‘Slow & Hot’ painting webisode
My God, I can smell your sweaty palms from here, dude.
If these haven’t satisfied your need for porny or plain stupid lines, make sure to check out such noteworthy gems as “Mayweather vs. Canelo video: Pre-fight press conference gets messy after media pulls out for ‘Money’ shot“, “I’m obligated to keep fans abreast of these situations without making a boob of myself“, “Sandy Cheeks“, or “My apologies to all the fans of delicious Brazilian booty.”
Look, Jesse, I get that the occupation of (some of) these women is to be ogled over, and I’m also aware of the long and strange history between MMA and Porn, but show some restraint for Christ’s sake, will you? At this point, you’re basically the drunk old man at the bar harassing the cute bartender, who is forced to smile through clenched teeth while you repeatedly tell her that she has “an ass built for plowing.” Get it? Because, like, “ass” can mean “donkey,” which is kind of like a horse, which are sometimes used to “plow” fields? CAN I HAZ PAYCHECK NOW.
Ugh. I need a shower.
-J. Jones
